What if i am fundamentally, unlovable?

Posted: March 4, 2018

Huge thing to say, I know. In my previous post I talk about getting to the ache within the ache. Dropping down into the physical pain to uncover whatever you are holding onto. And for most people, this is completely in their subconscious.

As someone who has struggled with her weight for the past, let’s just say 6 years, I decided to look at the emotion that I might be holding onto. And before anyone says: you just need to eat better (I am a Naturopath, and eat healthier than almost everyone I know, plus I have tried almost every dietary dogma known to man) or I just need to exercise more (I exercise plenty and have a mostly active job), or maybe it’s hormones (yes that’s part of it, including thyroid). Trust me I know all of the ‘normal’ ways to lose weight. But as I have said before, if weight loss were easy, we wouldn’t face the issues we are facing today.

And I am not saying that there are people out there who genuinely need to change their diet and exercise. Because some people aren’t healthy. I am just saying that hasn’t been my case.

So, looking to an emotional issue was where I ended up, along with fixing my hormones, fatigue, auto-immune issues etc.

So, doing this meditation that I mention HERE, I uncovered what I call the ache within the ache. What was the ache within my rheumatic pain? Well initially this is what it was – and it was profound: What if I lose all of this weight, and still nobody loves me!

Crazy, I know. As many people know, weight can be a shield, a form of protection. And I didn’t even think I was doing that! Not even a little bit. I spoke to a friend who does NLP, and we discussed a pattern of language that I had been using – I can’t lose weight. Ask and you shall receive! My language had to change.

But I realised it was deeper than that.

And then, as I was sitting with that thought, that losing the weight I want to lose may not give me the result that I truly want, I had an EPIPHANY. Yes an Epiphany within my Profound thought.

 

What if I am fundamentally, unlovable?

 

And I broke. Right there on my yoga mat, I just broke. And then it all started to flow in. I have been told, like many of us have that we are NOT ENOUGH. Not smart enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, funny enough. So many Not Enoughs!

I remember when I was about 25/26 years old and a size 8, which was my most slender and fittest, that I still wasn’t skinny enough, and maybe could try a bit harder to lose weight and maybe I could also do with a boob job. Well, fuck me!

I was told when I was in high school that I would never amount to anything. That I wasn’t good enough. By one of my teachers no less.

But it isn’t about the particular NOT ENOUGH moment, it’s just that for many of us, they are there. Lying in wait for when we really want to punish ourselves. And for someone who has had depression and anxiety, the fear of not being enough has been a constant in my life.

I berate myself for not be smarter, more successful, skinnier, etc, etc. And I generally don’t know that I am doing it. I knew that I had told myself that I wasn’t good enough, but didn’t realise it was happening subconsciously as well. I didn’t comprehend the degree to which I obviously felt it.

And when we don’t have these things present in ways that we can understand, they sit within our cells, within our tissues. And they manifest in some form. Well this is my experience and belief anyway.

So, there I was with the most profound moment of clarity.

 

What if I am fundamentally not enough, and therefore unlovable.

 

How had I let that manifest within me? And was this what has been holding me back from different things in my life? I honestly can’t say. All I know, is that this is what I felt that day, when I dropped to the ache within the ache.

And, no I am not saying I believe it, in fact quite the opposite. I try and educate everyone on self-love, and practice it myself. I thought I had dealt with all of my issues, but apparently there was one little one just simmering away.

And I don’t say this from a place of sadness, or wanting pity. Again, quite the opposite. Because I believe in this: that once you know what an issue is, it is your responsibility to fix it. How can you fix something that you didn’t know was broken? You can’t! But once you know it’s broken, you get to work on repairing it.

So obviously for me, more self-love practice is needed. And so to work I go. Because I am not a victim to this thought, I am not a victim at all. No matter the circumstances, we have the power to let these moments empower us. More so than we could imagine.

And I reiterate, it is not about any particular moment, because we can never define that or put a singular moment into the context of something that is so embedded in our soul.

It is not about saying, poor me.

It is not about actually even believing that it is true. Because I know it isn’t. When I mentioned it to a friend the other day, while I was deciding whether to write this or not, I could see her face change and eyes started filling with tears. Because this is something that has the ability to hurt someone or heal someone. You just have to choose which path you take.

And for many people their issue is not about weight. There may be something else buried away that is holding you back from moving forward. I just hope you can go within and find it. Because that SHIT is GOLD.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

Is there something that you have uncovered that was buried in your subconscious, that has held you back?

Does it sound familiar?

Do you feel like you are holding yourself back in some way, but don’t how?

(ps. I wrote this piece without editing it. I wanted it to be as real and honest as I could, so yes it isn’t perfect 🙂 I just hope you get something out of it)

1 Comment

  • Susan March 5, 2018 at 8:16 pm

    Thank you Courtney for such a raw and honest post. The focus on the positive and control aspects of this situation were really empowering.

    Reply

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